Part 21

"but you're a hundred and ten! YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME ANG POW!"

Edward doesn't want to give me ang pow. Carlisle and Esme obliged (albeit somewhat reluctantly) but Edward won't budge. neither will the rest of the Cullens, with the argument that they have yet to be married.

i sit sulking on a stool in the dining room, nibbling my traditional deep-fried nian gao. the Cullens, being fabulously rich, have bought me an assortment of new-fangled CNY goodies. however, the madarin-orange macaroons and yu-sheng-flavoured pralines have failed to whet my appetite. Edward, much relieved that i have stopped whining for ang pow, is reading a book across the counter.

Bella saunters in. i am suddenly overwhelmed by her cloying, flowery perfume. apparently, she went shopping for a new cheongsam. the lurid colours on this one (it is not the traditional silk kind) make her look like a circus clown. i choke a little on the nian gao. Bella gives a little twirl. "Edward, baby, how do i look?" she croons. Edward's head snaps up. his eyes fall on Bella and a look of horror spreads across his face.

"what has Alice done to you?" he whispers. not soft enough, Bella hears. suddenly enraged, she exclaims in a shrill voice, "for your information i bought this myself! obviuosly, you are incapable of appreciating the effort!" with that, she storms off.

Edward stares gaping at where Bella stood. i am torn between laughter and solemnity. "you do realise she isn't going to forgive you for that for like, 10 years?" i take another bite of nian gao. Edward groans. "shi* why did i say that?! dammit what now?" i swallow the rest of the nian gao without chewing to see if it hurts. okay, ouch. it hurts. choking a little i say, "well you could always tell her some cheesy pick-up lines. she liked mine right?"

Edward brightens up a little, then a look of suspicion crosses his pale face. "i don't think it'll work...." the nian gao having completed the journey down my oesophagus (translation: i swallowed it properly), i answer indignantly, "hey my ideas always work ok! anyway what do you have to lose? you're a dead man anyway!"

Edward nods slowly. taking this to be his form of consent i rip a page of a nearby Post-It pad and start planning his speech.

a little while later, we stand outside Bella's room. Edward's face has paled further (if that's possible?) and he has turned a deathly shade of green. "im not sure..." he gasps through chattering teeth. i cut him off. "shut up. get IN there and DO IT!" i give him a rough shove through the door. "yo Bella! Edward has something to say!" poking Edward i whisper, "START, doofus!"

shaking like a leaf, Edward stutters out what we practised. "Bella, honey, if i could re-arrange the alphabet, i'd put I and U together." Bella's stony look softens. heartened, Edward continues. "What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?" Bella smirks. "Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?" Bella giggles. "if you were a booger I would pick you first."

thats it. Bella cracks up. she hugs Edward and...i leave the room because its getting a little weird. i'll collect my payment later, 'cos Edward owes me big.

as im tip-toeing down the corridor, i hear Edward.

"but Bella, that cheogsam still looks terrible."

Part 20

and so for a while then Cullen household is peaceful and order reigns.

Emmett and Rosalie are made to do ALL the household chores for a month AT HUMAN SPEED. to them, this is torture. and they are banned from driving till "further notice".

i am feeling poorly. after shouting down Alice's remedies of frog spawn soup, chilled tapir livers and broiled iguana tails ("no no! they work! really!"), i sit on the couch watching Emmet scrub the marble floors with a toothbrush. (again, at human speed)

"i hate this. this is so lame. and to think i could be done in 5 minutes using vampire speed."

i sniffle loudly and apply more Mentholatum to my nose. "oh deal with it. gargh similar figures are not as easy as they look." Jasper patiently tries to explain.

i notice Rosalie hasn't been seen all day. upon enquiry, Jasper smirks. "Esme made her scrub out the dustbins. from what i heard, they all have this pink fluffy layer of fungus growing at the bottom...." i chuckle. that sounds way gross.

Emmett suddenly starts singing. he has recently discovered Weird Al's songs on Youtube. he starts singing (more like howling) the song White and Nerdy:

Emmett:

i wanna roll with
the gangsters
but so far they all think
im too white and nerdy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

i clamp my hands over my ears. i already have a headache and Emmett's singing (howling) just makes it worse.

"Emmett i cannot disagree with the song. you ARE white and nerdy. still, you don't need to let everyone withing 50km radius know that! just shut up okay?"

just then, Rosalie walks into the living room, clutching a glass of Cherryade in her gloved hand. suddenly, she lurches forward and half the Cherryade slops to the newly-polished (with a toothbrush) floor. a look of false horror spreads across her face. "oh no Emmett! you'd better clean that up! Cherryade stains you know!" with that she saunters into the adjoining kitchen.

Emmett scowls and makes a rude hand gesture to Rosalie's back. "!*#$ that Rosalie! marble is so porous, that @#!% drink is sure to leave a stain!"

i think the war isn't over just yet....