Part 21

"but you're a hundred and ten! YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME ANG POW!"

Edward doesn't want to give me ang pow. Carlisle and Esme obliged (albeit somewhat reluctantly) but Edward won't budge. neither will the rest of the Cullens, with the argument that they have yet to be married.

i sit sulking on a stool in the dining room, nibbling my traditional deep-fried nian gao. the Cullens, being fabulously rich, have bought me an assortment of new-fangled CNY goodies. however, the madarin-orange macaroons and yu-sheng-flavoured pralines have failed to whet my appetite. Edward, much relieved that i have stopped whining for ang pow, is reading a book across the counter.

Bella saunters in. i am suddenly overwhelmed by her cloying, flowery perfume. apparently, she went shopping for a new cheongsam. the lurid colours on this one (it is not the traditional silk kind) make her look like a circus clown. i choke a little on the nian gao. Bella gives a little twirl. "Edward, baby, how do i look?" she croons. Edward's head snaps up. his eyes fall on Bella and a look of horror spreads across his face.

"what has Alice done to you?" he whispers. not soft enough, Bella hears. suddenly enraged, she exclaims in a shrill voice, "for your information i bought this myself! obviuosly, you are incapable of appreciating the effort!" with that, she storms off.

Edward stares gaping at where Bella stood. i am torn between laughter and solemnity. "you do realise she isn't going to forgive you for that for like, 10 years?" i take another bite of nian gao. Edward groans. "shi* why did i say that?! dammit what now?" i swallow the rest of the nian gao without chewing to see if it hurts. okay, ouch. it hurts. choking a little i say, "well you could always tell her some cheesy pick-up lines. she liked mine right?"

Edward brightens up a little, then a look of suspicion crosses his pale face. "i don't think it'll work...." the nian gao having completed the journey down my oesophagus (translation: i swallowed it properly), i answer indignantly, "hey my ideas always work ok! anyway what do you have to lose? you're a dead man anyway!"

Edward nods slowly. taking this to be his form of consent i rip a page of a nearby Post-It pad and start planning his speech.

a little while later, we stand outside Bella's room. Edward's face has paled further (if that's possible?) and he has turned a deathly shade of green. "im not sure..." he gasps through chattering teeth. i cut him off. "shut up. get IN there and DO IT!" i give him a rough shove through the door. "yo Bella! Edward has something to say!" poking Edward i whisper, "START, doofus!"

shaking like a leaf, Edward stutters out what we practised. "Bella, honey, if i could re-arrange the alphabet, i'd put I and U together." Bella's stony look softens. heartened, Edward continues. "What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?" Bella smirks. "Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?" Bella giggles. "if you were a booger I would pick you first."

thats it. Bella cracks up. she hugs Edward and...i leave the room because its getting a little weird. i'll collect my payment later, 'cos Edward owes me big.

as im tip-toeing down the corridor, i hear Edward.

"but Bella, that cheogsam still looks terrible."