*Author’s note: Sleeping Beauty has 2 names in the Disney movie: Aurora and Briar Rose, so I have used them interchangeably.
Prince Phillip adjusted his tie with clammy palms. He’d jousted with rival knights, fought off dozens of Maleficent’s (evil witch) minions and even slain Maleficent herself in the form of a dragon. Yet he went weak in the knees at the thought of the task that awaited him tonight. Tonight, Aurora had invited him over for dinner to meet her three fairy godmothers for the first time.
Standing on the front porch of their cottage with a large bouquet of chrysanthemums clutched tightly, he could not bring himself to knock on the door. Was he dressed right? Was his hair messed up from his ride (horseback) over? WERE HIS SOCK MATCHED?!
He was saved from his frightening speculations by a shrill squawk, “ROSIE! There’s a strange man on our porch again! Really, the drunks that get lost in these woods….” The door was flung open by Rose, who looked just as flustered as Phillip felt. She ran her eyes over him briefly (thank goodness his socks were matched) and hissed, “You could have just knocked!” before ushering him nervously into the dining room.
“Phillip? You’ve met my godmothers; this is Flora, Fauna and Merryweather. Aunties, this is Phillip.” Merryweather glared at him from behind her spectacles which enlarged her eyes comically. She muttered in what was supposed to be an undertone but came out quite audibly, “Skinny ankles, poor posture…tsk tsk.” Flora took the chrysanthemums from him, “For us? Oh you shouldn’t have! Here let me put them in some water…” Fauna ran her fingers through the blooms. She whispered to Merryweather, “A local species. Approximate cost: $3.50. Not much effort for a first impression…” Merryweather sniffed.
Aurora looked visibly vexed. “Come…Come let’s have dinner. My Aunties cooked.” Phillip gratefully sank into a chair as Rose ladled some omelet and mashed potatoes onto his plate. “Aunties, eat,” he remember to say before tucking into the food with gusto. He immediately knew something was wrong as the three fairies began whispering among one another. “Goodness gracious…atrocious table manners…worse than a pig…” Phillip stopped shoveling food down his throat, to Aurora’s relief.
Aurora could now breathe easy. She took a dainty bite of the omelet. It crunched. Trying not to make a face, she glanced around the table. Flora, Merryweather and Phillip were all poking around their omelets and frowning. Only Fauna seemed perfectly content to munch away on her crunchy omelet.
“Fauna, dear, are you sure you made this omelet right?”
“I think so! It said “Beat six large eggs and I did.”
“Aunty…did you…did you CRACK OPEN the eggs first?”
“Now why would I do that?”
Aurora immediately pushed her plate away and Phillip said, “I just remembered. I’m a…uh…a vegetarian. I can’t eat eggs.” And Merryweather frowned. “I think its time for dessert,” she declared.
Over their Crème Brule, the fairies suddenly turned to Phillip. Aurora began to sweat. The grilling had begun.
“Phillip, dear, how long have you known our Rose?”
“For about, a month I think.”
“That’s not very long. And you want to get engaged already?”
“Well…”
“Never mind that. And you have a house for her?”
“We were thinking of crashing in on my Dad…”
Frowns all round. “Aah, I see. And how many girls have you dated?”
“Umm…. 8 I think….”
“Dated SERIOUSLY?”
“Uuh…7?”
Gasps of dismay. Phillip shifted uncomfortably. This was probably his cue to leave. “I’ll umm…see you later Aurora. Thanks for the dinner, Aunties.” And without another word he dashed out the door at a speed that would have impressed Speedy Gonzales.
Later that night, Aurora called up her pal, Pocahontas. “Hey Pocahontas. Party still on?”
“Yeah. You coming? There’ll be a buffet spread and three guys for every girl.”
“Awesome I’m starving. Okay save a hot guy for me for when I get there.”
“Won’t Phillip mind?”
“Nope, we are like, so over.”
“Wow, wasn’t he just at you’re place tonight? Snow told me.”
“Yeah, he was. And I don’t think he’ll be coming back. You see, when I think its time for me and my guy to break up,” here Aurora smirked. “I take him to meet my Aunties.
28 June, 2009
27 June, 2009
Pocahontas's Happily Ever After
*note: okay im writing this one entirely without inspiration so please forgive me if it isn't as good as the last.
“Pocahontas? Is everything alright in there? The neighbours are worried about the smoke coming from your window. Open up please,” called John Smith through the keyhole of Pocahontas’s room door. He prayed that Pocahontas had not set the leopard-skin rug alight again (“It would have attacked me! I killed it for you!”).
After a pause (further prolonged by John’s anxiety for the room’s furnishings) Pocahontas flung open the door wildly. Wearing nothing but a tunic which appeared to be made from the leather couch and a bizarre headdress, she glared at him. “Sacrilege! Who dares interrupt the Great New Moon Ceremony!?”
“Okay okay, I’ll leave you alone once I make sure everything’s alright,” John assured her soothingly. Bracing himself, he stepped forward to assess the damage. And immediately wished he hadn’t.
Most of the furniture had been stacked hap-hazardly at the side of the room. Rugs and bedspreads had been ripped up and fashioned into a multi-coloured wigwam by the window. In the centre of the room blazed a great bonfire, which would explain the black smoke billowing out the window.
“Oh, my gosh. That is so going to leave a mark. Pocahontas how many times to I have to tell you: BE NICE TO THE FURNITURE. And….OH NO IS THAT THE DRESSER BURNING?” he cried, gaping at a charred lump of wood blazing away merrily. He lunged forward to salvage what was left of the dresser just as it collapsed into ashes.
“Stop! Touch not the sacred fire!” Pocahontas bellowed. John turned on her, ready to have a seizure. He was rendered momentarily speechless by her outlandish attire.
“Pocahontas, what is that face paint made of?”
“Bugs. As is traditional.”
“Okay… and….” Scrutinizing her headdress for the first time John’s mouth curved into a perfect “O”. “Is…is your headdress made out of our FEATHER DUSTER?”
“It is customary to don an eagle-feather headdress during such ceremonies.”
John decided not to tell her the duster had been bought cheap in the market and was probably made from chicken feathers. Pocahontas cradled Meeko (her pet raccoon, who had grown uncommonly fat since their arrival in London) in one hand and gripped a large pipe in the other, occasionally taking a drag from it.
John’s left eyelid twitched at the sight of Pocahontas exhaling the pungent, pink smoke. “POCAHONTAS! Smoking is NOT tolerated in this house! *cough cough*” here he gagged slightly on the smoke.
Then something snapped in John Smith. Eyes bulging, he screamed manically, “THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! You and your blazing rugs and wacko headdresses be damned! I’m going to the pub for a drink!” With that he stormed off to The Greasy Gun where he would share his troubles with the other maritally-vexed men.
Smirking slightly, Pocahontas went into the living room and picked up the phone. She calmly punched in Belle’s number. “Belle? Hey…yeah the party’s still on…have you told the other girls?....yeah, my place…. bring Beast’s stunt double, that guy is HOT!....” Pocahontas picked her nails as Belle gave a rather worried query on the other end. Pocahontas gave a smirk. “John? Oh, he won’t be home tonight!...okay then, see you!” with that she hung up the phone and put on a halter-neck mini dress which appeared to be made from a scorched leopard-skin rug.
“Pocahontas? Is everything alright in there? The neighbours are worried about the smoke coming from your window. Open up please,” called John Smith through the keyhole of Pocahontas’s room door. He prayed that Pocahontas had not set the leopard-skin rug alight again (“It would have attacked me! I killed it for you!”).
After a pause (further prolonged by John’s anxiety for the room’s furnishings) Pocahontas flung open the door wildly. Wearing nothing but a tunic which appeared to be made from the leather couch and a bizarre headdress, she glared at him. “Sacrilege! Who dares interrupt the Great New Moon Ceremony!?”
“Okay okay, I’ll leave you alone once I make sure everything’s alright,” John assured her soothingly. Bracing himself, he stepped forward to assess the damage. And immediately wished he hadn’t.
Most of the furniture had been stacked hap-hazardly at the side of the room. Rugs and bedspreads had been ripped up and fashioned into a multi-coloured wigwam by the window. In the centre of the room blazed a great bonfire, which would explain the black smoke billowing out the window.
“Oh, my gosh. That is so going to leave a mark. Pocahontas how many times to I have to tell you: BE NICE TO THE FURNITURE. And….OH NO IS THAT THE DRESSER BURNING?” he cried, gaping at a charred lump of wood blazing away merrily. He lunged forward to salvage what was left of the dresser just as it collapsed into ashes.
“Stop! Touch not the sacred fire!” Pocahontas bellowed. John turned on her, ready to have a seizure. He was rendered momentarily speechless by her outlandish attire.
“Pocahontas, what is that face paint made of?”
“Bugs. As is traditional.”
“Okay… and….” Scrutinizing her headdress for the first time John’s mouth curved into a perfect “O”. “Is…is your headdress made out of our FEATHER DUSTER?”
“It is customary to don an eagle-feather headdress during such ceremonies.”
John decided not to tell her the duster had been bought cheap in the market and was probably made from chicken feathers. Pocahontas cradled Meeko (her pet raccoon, who had grown uncommonly fat since their arrival in London) in one hand and gripped a large pipe in the other, occasionally taking a drag from it.
John’s left eyelid twitched at the sight of Pocahontas exhaling the pungent, pink smoke. “POCAHONTAS! Smoking is NOT tolerated in this house! *cough cough*” here he gagged slightly on the smoke.
Then something snapped in John Smith. Eyes bulging, he screamed manically, “THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! You and your blazing rugs and wacko headdresses be damned! I’m going to the pub for a drink!” With that he stormed off to The Greasy Gun where he would share his troubles with the other maritally-vexed men.
Smirking slightly, Pocahontas went into the living room and picked up the phone. She calmly punched in Belle’s number. “Belle? Hey…yeah the party’s still on…have you told the other girls?....yeah, my place…. bring Beast’s stunt double, that guy is HOT!....” Pocahontas picked her nails as Belle gave a rather worried query on the other end. Pocahontas gave a smirk. “John? Oh, he won’t be home tonight!...okay then, see you!” with that she hung up the phone and put on a halter-neck mini dress which appeared to be made from a scorched leopard-skin rug.
25 June, 2009
Beauty and the Beast's Happily Ever After
Belle had been primping for this day for weeks. Slimming treatments five weeks earlier (not that she needed them. Her figure was as it was when she starred in her own Disney movie), nails done the day before and a new highlight job and hair-do at the most expensive hair salon that very day. She applied her Bobbi Brown eye-liner carefully, taking care not to spill any (expensive).
She took out her expensive Tonino Lamborghini perfume and spritzed some on her wrists. She didn’t normally apply it but then, today wasn’t a normal night. It was her best mate Cinderella’s wedding ceremony.
Donning her Chanel LBD (Little Black Dress) and matching peep-toe heels, Belle was stunning to behold. Taking one last look in the full length mirror, she smirked and sauntered out of the bed room, leaving a trail of the cloying fragrance in her wake.
“Beast!” she hollered down the corridor. “We gotta GO!”
“Coming, sweetheart.” Came the husky reply.
Belle’s jaw dropped as Beast’s shaggy frame came into view (No, he hadn’t really changed back to a stunningly gorgeous homo sapien. What, you really believed the movie? That hunk was a stunt double). In an average fairy tale, Beast would have been all decked out and looking hot as a jalapeño pepper. Well, this isn’t a fairy tale. Belle’s jaw was dropping for all the wrong reasons.
Beast was wearing something that would have looked at home in a hawker centre. A faded T-shirt and cut-off jeans. Beast had not even so much tamed his mane. His claws remained razor sharp (had he never heard of a “file”?!) and he smelt strangely of Cheetos.
Belle graoned, “do not tell me you forgot the reception is TODAY!”
“I thought we were going to do an Eat-And-Run!”
“BEAST! This is Cinderella’s second wedding! Her new husband is a MODEL! It’s not Charming anymore! How will I be able to introduce you looking like THIS?!”
“Are you saying you’re ashamed of me?!”
“Well yeah and who can blame me!? You look like CRAP!”
“If that’s the deal then I’m not going!” Beast stormed off to spend the rest of the evening with his Xbox and Cheetos. They were a hell lot easier to understand than women.
Belle began to panic. How could she go without a beau? There was only one thing to do. She reached for her cell phone.
Princess Aurora was in the reception garden chatting to Ariel, who sat with her tail submerged in the fountain. “did you see Belle with that yummy hunk over by the floral dec? Goodness, who knew that Beast would look so good in human form?” Ariel nodded. “Yeah! Wow Disney sure did the movie right. The new beast looks almost exactly like his stunt double…..”
She took out her expensive Tonino Lamborghini perfume and spritzed some on her wrists. She didn’t normally apply it but then, today wasn’t a normal night. It was her best mate Cinderella’s wedding ceremony.
Donning her Chanel LBD (Little Black Dress) and matching peep-toe heels, Belle was stunning to behold. Taking one last look in the full length mirror, she smirked and sauntered out of the bed room, leaving a trail of the cloying fragrance in her wake.
“Beast!” she hollered down the corridor. “We gotta GO!”
“Coming, sweetheart.” Came the husky reply.
Belle’s jaw dropped as Beast’s shaggy frame came into view (No, he hadn’t really changed back to a stunningly gorgeous homo sapien. What, you really believed the movie? That hunk was a stunt double). In an average fairy tale, Beast would have been all decked out and looking hot as a jalapeño pepper. Well, this isn’t a fairy tale. Belle’s jaw was dropping for all the wrong reasons.
Beast was wearing something that would have looked at home in a hawker centre. A faded T-shirt and cut-off jeans. Beast had not even so much tamed his mane. His claws remained razor sharp (had he never heard of a “file”?!) and he smelt strangely of Cheetos.
Belle graoned, “do not tell me you forgot the reception is TODAY!”
“I thought we were going to do an Eat-And-Run!”
“BEAST! This is Cinderella’s second wedding! Her new husband is a MODEL! It’s not Charming anymore! How will I be able to introduce you looking like THIS?!”
“Are you saying you’re ashamed of me?!”
“Well yeah and who can blame me!? You look like CRAP!”
“If that’s the deal then I’m not going!” Beast stormed off to spend the rest of the evening with his Xbox and Cheetos. They were a hell lot easier to understand than women.
Belle began to panic. How could she go without a beau? There was only one thing to do. She reached for her cell phone.
Princess Aurora was in the reception garden chatting to Ariel, who sat with her tail submerged in the fountain. “did you see Belle with that yummy hunk over by the floral dec? Goodness, who knew that Beast would look so good in human form?” Ariel nodded. “Yeah! Wow Disney sure did the movie right. The new beast looks almost exactly like his stunt double…..”
24 June, 2009
Snow White's Happily Ever After
Snow White staggered thorugh the castle, tottering on her six-inch stilettos. "Dah-Ling? I'm *hic* back!" she slurred. Prince Charming rushed out of his Royal Study just in time to see Snow trip and grab a tapestry for support. he took one look at her Gucci halter-top and low-slung jeans, gave a squeak of horror and pulled her towards their bedroom.
“What do you think you’re doing?!” Snow White hiccupped, grinning in an idiotic manner. “ ’Ish nothing Dah-Ling! Just clubbing with the boys!” she hiccupped again. Charming smacked his forehead. “I so can’t believe you! I come home and find my Porsche missing and you gone! Do you have any idea how worried I was?! And by the way, did you put in good petrol? ‘Cos I don’t want the cheap stuff clogging up my engine.”
Snow White rolled her kohl-ringed eyes. In an undertone, she murmured, “Worried for the car or me?” Charming spun around. “HEY! I heard that! Of course I was worried about you! Did you get any scratches on the Porsche?”
Snow snarled. “Sometimes *hic* I think you love the car more than ME!”
“Oh yeah? How do you think I feel when you go boozing with those other 7 men?!”
“Hey you’re the one who spent $5000 on a new paint and wax job but bought me a cheap “I Love Ye Olde Kingdom” T-shirt for my birthday!”
“You’re only saying that because those Dwarves bought you a Chanel purse! That’s not fair, they only had to pay ONE SEVENTH of the price each!”
“Oh and like, you the King can’t afford it? Give me a BREAK!” (Snow White was now fully sober)
“Alright that’s IT! I’m filing for a divorce tomorrow! I can’t STAND you!” at this point Charming stormed from the room.
Snow White stood very still. She knew she should never have married Charming. I mean, come on, she’d only known him what, 48 hours? But nobody dumped Snow and got away with it. Oh no, she’d get her own back. She stalked from the room, now on steady feet.
She made her way down to the Royal Car Park. Spying the detestable Porsche, she fished the car keys from her purse…..
What ensued next is a bit like Carrie Underwood’s song, Before He Cheats:
Oh and he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
See bold lyrics for what Snow White did XD. We can only imagine how Prince Charming reacts.
“What do you think you’re doing?!” Snow White hiccupped, grinning in an idiotic manner. “ ’Ish nothing Dah-Ling! Just clubbing with the boys!” she hiccupped again. Charming smacked his forehead. “I so can’t believe you! I come home and find my Porsche missing and you gone! Do you have any idea how worried I was?! And by the way, did you put in good petrol? ‘Cos I don’t want the cheap stuff clogging up my engine.”
Snow White rolled her kohl-ringed eyes. In an undertone, she murmured, “Worried for the car or me?” Charming spun around. “HEY! I heard that! Of course I was worried about you! Did you get any scratches on the Porsche?”
Snow snarled. “Sometimes *hic* I think you love the car more than ME!”
“Oh yeah? How do you think I feel when you go boozing with those other 7 men?!”
“Hey you’re the one who spent $5000 on a new paint and wax job but bought me a cheap “I Love Ye Olde Kingdom” T-shirt for my birthday!”
“You’re only saying that because those Dwarves bought you a Chanel purse! That’s not fair, they only had to pay ONE SEVENTH of the price each!”
“Oh and like, you the King can’t afford it? Give me a BREAK!” (Snow White was now fully sober)
“Alright that’s IT! I’m filing for a divorce tomorrow! I can’t STAND you!” at this point Charming stormed from the room.
Snow White stood very still. She knew she should never have married Charming. I mean, come on, she’d only known him what, 48 hours? But nobody dumped Snow and got away with it. Oh no, she’d get her own back. She stalked from the room, now on steady feet.
She made her way down to the Royal Car Park. Spying the detestable Porsche, she fished the car keys from her purse…..
What ensued next is a bit like Carrie Underwood’s song, Before He Cheats:
Oh and he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
See bold lyrics for what Snow White did XD. We can only imagine how Prince Charming reacts.
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